Cindy's Retreat

I went on a retreat a couple of weekends ago. I really wanted to give my testimonial, so it's taken a while to reflect and write it. Here goes.

I’ve always considered myself a “good” person. I do the right thing 99% of the time. I have manners, (when I remember). I work hard and have a good sense discipline. I try to use my good qualities (my creativity, my helpfulness) to the best of my ability. I have been taught to live my life this way, by family and friends. It’s always just seemed right, and I’ve liked it. I have never put much thought into it before. I had considered myself being a good Christian (going to mass, not sinning, helping others) and having a good relationship with God, being able to talk to him. Also, I’ve always known that God loved me, (but never truly felt that love, at least for very long, not until I went on my retreat.)

During the weekend of the retreat, I resigned myself to work on some problem areas of my life. First and foremost, I wanted to learn how to forgive myself, something I’ve been struggling with. When I really thought about the concept of forgiveness and broke it down, I realized something. It’s actually very easy for me to forgive others. When I get into fights and disagreements with others, they never last very long. I usually just have to take a step back and breathe for a second. Then I realize that I love this person. I want to continue their relationship, so I just forgive them and accept them for who they are. That being said, I realized that the next goal I had to overcome was learning to love myself. (Loving myself is a hard concept, because I am so critical of myself.)

So who am I?  I’m a happy introvert. I enjoy spending time with myself and by myself. When I’m placed in situations where I have to speak and interact with other people I struggle. My stomach ties in knots, I feel light headed, my pulse races, I fear saying and doing the wrong thing or not knowing what to do. I always have felt like I’m an outsider and don’t belong. But I do try to push myself into those awkward situations because I know it will be good for me.

During a class in high school I remember students telling what they were most afraid of was to be lonely for the rest of their lives. I remember thinking, that’s not me, I could do that for the rest of my life. Looking back, in some ways it was easier to choose loneliness, then have them not choose me; besides I felt it made me look like a cool rebel. J

My whole life I’ve always had a couple of friends that I knew made me happy, and sometimes I felt I made them happy to. I always thought our happiness was bound by our shared experiences and that we sought in each other something that would want to make us a better person. That’s how I choose my friends anyway.

Many times I didn’t know who I was, so I kept quiet, thinking, I’m not as smart, I don’t have the right words. When really in my heart I was saying- I’m not as loved as anyone else. (Boy how wrong I was.) I’ve always known Jesus died on the cross for me, but I never truly believed and felt it. I confess I don’t love myself as much as God loves me. And it’s a sin. I am worthy! I am so loved! It’s time to realize my good qualities and focus on them and also love and accept my weaknesses. And that is how I learned to forgive myself.

During one of the more prolific times on the retreat I had a vision of Jesus standing behind me, carrying my cross. I physically and spiritually felt His warmth. I never really understood it until then. He died on the cross for me. He takes away my sins. He holds my cross, my weaknesses. He gives me my courage and strength. He is always with me. He loves me for myself. I love myself. I can be and do so much more. Wow!

Be strong and of good courage: be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

And with that, the flood gates were opened, and I felt so much love. Love that I have never before felt. (I also have never cried so much in one weekend- they were tears of sorrow, but mostly joy.) I understood so much. My life is put into a different perspective. I realize I’ve been missing something. I’ve been missing my relationship with people. I’ve been missing my community and how I belong to it. I want, I need to show my love for my fellow Church members (as well as my friends and family, who I now love more deeply). But not just them, to have love and show love to everyone!

It’s been one week since the retreat. I wish I could say I’m a fearless warrior, however, I still pray for strength almost daily, but I am definitely not as afraid as I was. The rapid heartbeat only lasts for a brief second, before I remember and realize He is with me. I now consider myself an introvert with an extrovert’s soul. I find myself talking to strangers and loving them. Asking how can I help? I want to hug everybody. I love them all so much. I want this feeling to last forever and I know it will with His help and His promise of forever.

Thank you so much God for giving me the greatest gift of all, your love. I love you! With the Lord all things are possible! With the Lord there is mercy and fullness of redemption. Ps 130:7