I went on a retreat a couple of weekends ago. I really wanted to give my testimonial, so it's taken a while to reflect and write it. Here goes.
I’ve always considered myself a “good” person. I do the
right thing 99% of the time. I have manners, (when I remember). I work hard and
have a good sense discipline. I try to use my good qualities (my creativity, my
helpfulness) to the best of my ability. I have been taught to live my life this
way, by family and friends. It’s always just seemed right, and I’ve liked it. I
have never put much thought into it before. I had considered myself being a
good Christian (going to mass, not sinning, helping others) and having a good
relationship with God, being able to talk to him. Also, I’ve always known that
God loved me, (but never truly felt that love, at least for very long, not until
I went on my retreat.)
During the weekend of the retreat, I resigned myself to work
on some problem areas of my life. First and foremost, I wanted to learn how to
forgive myself, something I’ve been struggling with. When I really thought
about the concept of forgiveness and broke it down, I realized something. It’s
actually very easy for me to forgive others. When I get into fights and disagreements
with others, they never last very long. I usually just have to take a step back
and breathe for a second. Then I realize that I love this person. I want to
continue their relationship, so I just forgive them and accept them for who
they are. That being said, I realized that the next goal I had to overcome was
learning to love myself. (Loving myself is a hard concept, because I am so
critical of myself.)
So who am I? I’m a
happy introvert. I enjoy spending time with myself and by myself. When I’m
placed in situations where I have to speak and interact with other people I
struggle. My stomach ties in knots, I feel light headed, my pulse races, I fear
saying and doing the wrong thing or not knowing what to do. I always have felt
like I’m an outsider and don’t belong. But I do try to push myself into those
awkward situations because I know it will be good for me.
During a class in high school I remember students telling
what they were most afraid of was to be lonely for the rest of their lives. I
remember thinking, that’s not me, I could do that for the rest of my life. Looking
back, in some ways it was easier to choose loneliness, then have them not
choose me; besides I felt it made me look like a cool rebel. J
My whole life I’ve always had a couple of friends that I
knew made me happy, and sometimes I felt I made them happy to. I always thought
our happiness was bound by our shared experiences and that we sought in each
other something that would want to make us a better person. That’s how I choose
my friends anyway.
Many times I didn’t know who I was, so I kept quiet,
thinking, I’m not as smart, I don’t have the right words. When really in my
heart I was saying- I’m not as loved as anyone else. (Boy how wrong I was.) I’ve
always known Jesus died on the cross for me, but I never truly believed and
felt it. I confess I don’t love myself as much as God loves me. And it’s a sin.
I am worthy! I am so loved! It’s time to realize my good qualities and focus on
them and also love and accept my weaknesses. And that is how I learned to
forgive myself.
During one of the more prolific times on the retreat I had a
vision of Jesus standing behind me, carrying my cross. I physically and
spiritually felt His warmth. I never really understood it until then. He died
on the cross for me. He takes away my sins. He holds my cross, my weaknesses. He
gives me my courage and strength. He is always with me. He loves me for myself.
I love myself. I can be and do so much more. Wow!
Be strong and of good courage: be not frightened, neither be
dismayed; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
And with that, the flood gates were opened, and I felt so
much love. Love that I have never before felt. (I also have never cried so much
in one weekend- they were tears of sorrow, but mostly joy.) I understood so
much. My life is put into a different perspective. I realize I’ve been missing
something. I’ve been missing my relationship with people. I’ve been missing my
community and how I belong to it. I want, I need to show my love for my fellow Church
members (as well as my friends and family, who I now love more deeply). But not
just them, to have love and show love to everyone!
It’s been one week since the retreat. I wish I could say I’m
a fearless warrior, however, I still pray for strength almost daily, but I am definitely
not as afraid as I was. The rapid heartbeat only lasts for a brief second,
before I remember and realize He is with me. I now consider myself an introvert
with an extrovert’s soul. I find myself talking to strangers and loving them. Asking
how can I help? I want to hug everybody. I love them all so much. I want this
feeling to last forever and I know it will with His help and His promise of forever.
Thank you so much God for giving me the greatest gift of
all, your love. I love you! With the Lord all things are possible! With the
Lord there is mercy and fullness of redemption. Ps 130:7
